


were kinda driftin away from cool mysterious into kooky mysterious we are firmly in willy wonka territory here

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:21:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22088542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Dave takes off his shades.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 27
Kudos: 303





	were kinda driftin away from cool mysterious into kooky mysterious we are firmly in willy wonka territory here

DAVE: oh fuck!  
KARKAT: WHOA  
DAVE: ow ow ow fuck  
KARKAT: DAVE ARE YOU OK?  
DAVE: motherfucking douche ass shit!  
DAVE: fuck!  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED??  
DAVE: isnt it obvious karkat  
DAVE: you were gettin too complacent  
DAVE: so i decided to spice shit up by crashin into this fucking useless piece of shit hallway chest and crumpling to the ground like a bitch  
DAVE: you know  
DAVE: keep you on your toes  
KARKAT: UM.  
DAVE: surprised you didnt i  
KARKAT: YEAH YOU DEFINITELY DID.  
DAVE: you gotta be combat ready karkat  
DAVE: danger could strike at any time  
DAVE: honestly your reaction time is way slow  
DAVE: we gotta work on that  
KARKAT: DAVE WHAT THE FUCK, YOU JUST WALKED STRAIGHT INTO THAT THING!  
DAVE: yeah all according to plan  
KARKAT: DAVE DID YOU...  
KARKAT: DID YOU NOT SEE THAT CHEST?  
DAVE: what sure i did  
KARKAT: DAVE...  
KARKAT: I’M GONNA ASK YOU A QUESTION.  
KARKAT: AND I FLATTER MYSELF THAT YOU RESPECT OUR RELATIONSHIP AS BEST BROS ENOUGH TO GIVE ME AN HONEST ANSWER.  
DAVE: sure karkat i got only the utmost respect for brohood you know that  
KARKAT: OK, GOOD.  
KARKAT: DAVE.  
KARKAT: CAN YOU NOT SEE THROUGH YOUR STUPID FUCKING SUNGLASSES?  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: YOU CAN’T, CAN YOU?  
DAVE: what no of course i fucking can!  
DAVE: i been wearin shades my whole life  
DAVE: what do you think ive just been faking bein able to see  
DAVE: we fuckin watch movies together all the time  
DAVE: you think i just sit there for hours starin into the blackness  
DAVE: makin hilarious running commentary based on spider sense alone  
DAVE: ok that does sound kinda sweet actually  
DAVE: but thats not what im doin karkat i promise if i had shitty movie spider sense youd definitely know about it  
KARKAT: OH COME ON, I OBVIOUSLY DON’T MEAN *ALL* THE TIME, YOU IDIOT!  
KARKAT: BUT THIS HALLWAY’S KIND OF DIM.  
KARKAT: ...YOU CAN’T SEE SHIT, CAN YOU?  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ok first of all  
DAVE: “kind of dim” is an insane description  
DAVE: like that is the understatement of the century  
DAVE: this hallways goddamn impossible  
DAVE: ARE there even lights on in here  
KARKAT: YEAH, THERE ARE!  
DAVE: fuck you how would you know youre nocturnal  
DAVE: you can fucking see in the dark  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT?  
DAVE: think what  
KARKAT: THAT I CAN SEE IN THE DARK.  
DAVE: yeah sure cant you  
KARKAT: NO, I FUCKING CAN’T!  
DAVE: but...  
DAVE: but didnt everything on alternia happen at night  
KARKAT: YEAH, IT DID, BECAUSE THE SUN WAS FUCKING DEADLY!  
KARKAT: BUT WE STILL HAD ARTIFICIAL LIGHTS!  
DAVE: ...oh  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD, DAVE!  
KARKAT: HAHAHA! DO YOU REALLY THINK I HAVE FUCKING NIGHT VISION?  
DAVE: well yeah i guess i fuckin did  
KARKAT: DAVE, THIS FUCKING METEOR’S *FULL* OF ARTIFICIAL LIGHT!  
KARKAT: JUST THINK.  
KARKAT: LOOK BACK ON THE PAST SIX MONTHS.  
KARKAT: WHEN YOU WALKED INTO A ROOM, WAS THERE EVER A SINGLE TIME I WAS JUST SITTING THERE IN THE FUCKING DARK?  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: NO, THERE WASN’T! WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS?  
DAVE: maybe you were just waitin for me to show up with my dumb human eyes  
DAVE: bein a gentleman  
KARKAT: NOPE. SORRY.  
KARKAT: I’M AN ASSHOLE.  
KARKAT: AN ASSHOLE WHO NEEDS LIGHT TO SEE.  
KARKAT: BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, DAVE?  
KARKAT: I *STILL* MANAGED NOT TO WALK SHINS FIRST INTO THAT FUCKING CHEST AND FALL ON MY ASS!  
KARKAT: YOU WANNA HAZARD A GUESS AS TO WHY?  
DAVE: nope  
KARKAT: IT’S BECAUSE I’M NOT WEARING STUPID FUCKING SUNGLASSES IN A DARK HALLWAY IN OUTER FUCKING SPACE, DAVE!  
KARKAT: WHY DO YOU EVEN NEED THESE FUCKING THINGS, ANYWAY?  
DAVE: i dont “need” them karkat god damn  
DAVE: theyre just cool as fuck  
KARKAT: COME ON DAVE, YOU CAN’T SEE SHIT. JUST TAKE THEM OFF.  
DAVE: no  
KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK NOT?  
DAVE: i just dont want to  
DAVE: i never take off my shades thats not somethin i do  
KARKAT: YEAH, I FUCKING KNOW!  
KARKAT: I AM ACUTELY AWARE OF THAT, ACTUALLY!  
DAVE: whats that supposed to mean  
KARKAT: DAVE, YOU’RE MY BEST FUCKING FRIEND.  
KARKAT: I’VE SPENT PRETTY FUCKING CLOSE TO EVERY WAKING MINUTE OF THE PAST SIX MONTHS WITH YOU.  
KARKAT: I’VE TOLD YOU SHIT I’VE NEVER TOLD *ANYBODY* ELSE.  
DAVE: yeah me too  
DAVE: what the fuck are you gettin at karkat  
KARKAT: CONSIDER ALL THAT SHIT, AND THEN CONSIDER THIS:  
KARKAT: I’VE NEVER FUCKING SEEN YOUR EYES, DAVE!  
DAVE: so  
KARKAT: SO??  
KARKAT: DON’T YOU THINK THAT’S MORE THAN A LITTLE BIZARRE?  
DAVE: not if i dont like takin off my shades its not!  
DAVE: that sounds way un-bizarre to me actually  
DAVE: like do you seriously need to see my eyes to tell me stuff?  
DAVE: to be my friend  
DAVE: THAT sounds pretty fuckin bizarre to ME karkat  
DAVE: sounds like you got a weird eye fetish  
KARKAT: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE, DAVE!  
KARKAT: I AM *NOT* THE ONE BEING WEIRD HERE.  
KARKAT: THIS IS SO OBVIOUSLY SOME STRANGE AFFECTATION ON YOUR PART.  
KARKAT: IF YOU JUST “DIDN’T LIKE” TAKING YOUR SUNGLASSES OFF, I TOTALLY WOULD’VE SEEN YOUR EYES BY NOW.  
KARKAT: JUST BASED ON THE MASSIVE NUMBER OF HOURS I’VE SPENT IN YOUR PRESENCE.  
KARKAT: THE SHEER LIKELIHOOD IS FUCKING OVERWHELMING.  
DAVE: hey maybe you HAVE seen em  
DAVE: maybe it was no big deal and you dont remember  
KARKAT: NO, I *DEFINITELY* HAVEN’T!  
KARKAT: AND IT PRETTY TRANSPARENTLY *IS* A BIG DEAL!  
KARKAT: AND NOW HERE YOU ARE FUCKING CRASHING INTO STUFF IN THE DARK!  
KARKAT: THERE’S SOME WEIRD SHIT GOING ON WITH THESE SUNGLASSES, DAVE! IT’S SO PAINFULLY CLEAR!  
KARKAT: WHY ARE THEY SO SPECIAL?  
DAVE: come on man isnt it obvious  
DAVE: these shades were ben fucking stillers!  
DAVE: they actually touched his-  
KARKAT: -HIS WEIRDLY GAUNT FACE.  
KARKAT: I KNOW, DAVE.  
KARKAT: BELIEVE IT OR NOT YOU’VE ACTUALLY TOLD ME THAT BEFORE.  
KARKAT: LOTS OF TIMES.  
DAVE: ok then so whats the fuckin problem  
DAVE: sounds like you get it  
DAVE: done and fuckin dusted  
KARKAT: NO WAY, STRIDER.  
KARKAT: THIS IS IT. GLOVES OFF.  
KARKAT: I’M CALLING YOUR STILLER BLUFF.  
DAVE: my what  
KARKAT: YOU HEARD ME. CONSIDER IT CALLED.  
DAVE: what are you fucking talkin about karkat  
DAVE: ben stiller was one chill motherfucker  
DAVE: its an honor to wear his cool ass shades  
KARKAT: DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID THE FIRST TIME WE WATCHED ZOOLANDER, DAVE?  
DAVE: no  
KARKAT: WELL THAT’S FINE, BECAUSE I DO.  
KARKAT: YOU SAID IT WAS A BRAVE FUCKING MOVE FOR BEN STILLER TO WRITE HIMSELF AS A CHARACTER WHO MAKES ONE FACIAL EXPRESSION, BECAUSE THAT’S ONE MORE THAN HE CAN USUALLY MANAGE.  
DAVE: did i  
KARKAT: YEAH. YOU DID.  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SAID THE SECOND TIME WE WATCHED ZOOLANDER?  
DAVE: no but i bet you fucking do  
KARKAT: ACTUALLY I DON’T.  
KARKAT: BECAUSE WE NEVER WATCHED ZOOLANDER AGAIN.  
DAVE: come on i was just fuckin joking around  
DAVE: ive said way worse shit about you and i like you  
DAVE: ben stillers dope!  
KARKAT: NOPE, I’M NOT FUCKING BUYING IT.  
KARKAT: I MEAN OK, MAYBE YOU DO THINK BEN STILLER’S DOPE.  
KARKAT: SURE. FINE.  
KARKAT: I’M NOT GONNA TRY TO WRESTLE THAT AWAY FROM YOU, BECAUSE FRANKLY I WANT TO CONSERVE ALL MY STRENGTH FOR THE UTTERLY HERCULEAN TASK BEFORE ME.  
KARKAT: NAMELY GETTING YOU TO ADMIT THAT THERE’S SOME WEIRD SHIT GOING ON WITH THESE SUNGLASSES.  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: COME ON, DAVE.  
KARKAT: THERE IS NO WAY YOU LOVE BEN FUCKING STILLER SO MUCH THAT YOU OBSESSIVELY WEAR HIS GLASSES TO THE POINT OF GRIEVOUS BODILY HARM.  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: maybe i just really fucking like them  
DAVE: is that so fucking hard to believe  
DAVE: i look fly as hell in these shades karkat  
DAVE: is it so wrong to wanna look fly as hell  
KARKAT: OK, WE’RE OFF STILLER FINALLY, SO THAT’S PROGRESS.  
KARKAT: BUT ALSO, NO.  
KARKAT: YOU DO NOT LOOK “FLY AS HELL.”  
KARKAT: YOU LOOK LIKE ANY DOUCHEBAG EVER WHO THINKS SUNGLASSES MAKE HIM LOOK COOL.  
DAVE: oh fuck you  
KARKAT: BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT.  
KARKAT: BECAUSE EVEN THE FLYEST PEOPLE EVER TAKE A FUCKING BREATHER EVERY NOW AND AGAIN.  
KARKAT: YOU CAN’T JUST BE FLY FOREVER, DAVE.  
KARKAT: YOUR WINGS ARE GONNA GET TIRED.  
DAVE: what no theyre not  
DAVE: im never comin down  
KARKAT: PFFF.  
DAVE: hasnt it occurred to you karkat that i might actually be the pinnacle of fly  
DAVE: able to achieve heights no mere mortal has ever dreamed of  
DAVE: i can literally fly asshole  
DAVE: i got this shit in the bag  
KARKAT: DAVE, TAKE OFF YOUR FUCKING SUNGLASSES.  
DAVE: what  
DAVE: no!  
KARKAT: PLEASE.  
KARKAT: DO IT FOR ME.  
DAVE: im not doin shit for you!  
KARKAT: JUST THIS ONCE. YOU CAN PUT THEM RIGHT BACK ON.  
DAVE: then whys it even matter  
DAVE: why do you care about this  
KARKAT: I’D JUST LIKE TO FUCKING SEE YOUR EYES FOR ONCE!  
KARKAT: AND I BET YOU’D LIKE NOT CRASHING INTO SHIT.  
KARKAT: I KNOW YOU’RE NOT USED TO IT, BUT DON’T KNOCK IT TIL YOU’VE TRIED IT!  
DAVE: fuck off  
KARKAT: COME ON.  
KARKAT: WHAT’S IT GONNA HURT?  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: PLEASE DAVE.  
DAVE: no!   
KARKAT: DON’T MAKE ME FUCKING TAKE THEM FROM YOU.  
DAVE: you wouldnt fucking dare  
KARKAT: ...OK.  
KARKAT: YOU’RE RIGHT.  
KARKAT: SHIT.  
KARKAT: I’M SORRY, DAVE.  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW I WOULD NEVER ACTUALLY-  
KARKAT: HA!  
DAVE: fuck!  
KARKAT: HAHA!  
DAVE: fuck you karkat  
DAVE: give me my fucking shades back!  
KARKAT: NO!  
DAVE: you piece of shit be careful with those!  
KARKAT: OH CHILL THE FUCK OUT, I’LL BE CAREFUL.  
KARKAT: YOU CAN HAVE THEM BACK IN A MINUTE!  
KARKAT: JUST-  
KARKAT: LET ME SEE YOUR FUCKING EYES!  
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: FINE!  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: HUH.  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: NOTHING. JUST.  
KARKAT: HUH.  
DAVE: huh what the fuck is huh karkat  
KARKAT: NO IT’S JUST...  
KARKAT: YOU LOOK SO DIFFERENT.  
DAVE: oh do i  
DAVE: wow  
DAVE: well karkat thats an interesting observation you got there  
DAVE: eagle eyed viewers may notice that one fucking vital thing about my appearance has changed this evening  
DAVE: can you figure it out  
DAVE: ill give you a clue  
DAVE: im not wearing my fucking shades  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD YOU’RE RIGHT, THAT’S IT!  
DAVE: fuuuck  
KARKAT: NO BUT REALLY... YOUR FACE JUST LOOKS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT LIKE THIS.  
KARKAT: I’M NOT USED TO IT.  
KARKAT: I’VE GOTTEN PRETTY ACCUSTOMED TO THINKING OF YOUR EYES AS...  
KARKAT: WELL, AS THESE TWO GIANT BLACK CIRCLES ON YOUR FACE.  
DAVE: seriously?  
KARKAT: YEAH, I MEAN THAT’S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!  
KARKAT: BUT YOUR EYES ARE ACTUALLY...  
KARKAT: REALLY SMALL.  
DAVE: small??  
KARKAT: OK NOT *SMALL.*  
KARKAT: JUST, YOU KNOW... EYE SIZED.  
DAVE: my eyes are eye sized  
DAVE: this is fucking great karkat  
DAVE: im so glad were doing this were really making amazing strides for science here  
KARKAT: OH SHUT THE FUCK UP THEY’RE FINE!  
KARKAT: THEY’RE... NICE.  
KARKAT: I LIKE THEM.  
DAVE: ...youre not pickin up on anything  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: unusual  
KARKAT: UM.  
KARKAT: OH BOY.  
KARKAT: DO YOU HAVE SOME WEIRD “THING,” DAVE?  
KARKAT: I’M... I’M SORRY I’M NOT REALLY SURE WHAT TO LOOK FOR HERE.  
KARKAT: I MEAN OBVIOUSLY THEY’RE GROTESQUE HUMAN EYES WITH THOSE WEIRD SICKLY WHITE PARTS.  
KARKAT: BUT THAT’S JUST NORMAL HUMAN SHIT. I’M PRETTY MUCH DESENSITIZED TO THAT HORROR SHOW BY NOW.  
DAVE: nothin else?  
DAVE: like about any other colors  
KARKAT: WHAT? THE RED?  
DAVE: yeah  
KARKAT: IS THAT... WEIRD?  
DAVE: yeah uh  
DAVE: its extremely fucking weird actually  
KARKAT: REALLY?  
DAVE: yeah man have you seriously not noticed  
DAVE: name a single fucking human in a movie youve watched who has red fucking eyes  
KARKAT: ...I CAN’T THINK OF ANY OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD.  
DAVE: yeah spoilers thats because there arent any  
DAVE: its totally off the fuckin map  
KARKAT: OH.  
KARKAT: *OH.*  
KARKAT: SO IS THAT.  
KARKAT: UM.  
KARKAT: SHIT, THAT’S WHY YOU KEEP THEM HIDDEN, ISN’T IT?  
KARKAT: FUCK, DAVE.  
KARKAT: I’M SO SORRY!  
KARKAT: I DIDN’T MEAN TO MAKE YOU SHOW ME!  
KARKAT: MAN I’M SUCH AN ASSHOLE.  
KARKAT: FUCK!  
KARKAT: I SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN ANYBODY!  
KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING GOD. I DIDN’T MEAN-  
KARKAT: I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!  
DAVE: oh fuck karkat  
DAVE: no  
DAVE: stop it im not embarrassed or anything  
DAVE: it doesnt bother me i swear to god  
KARKAT: ...REALLY?  
KARKAT: BECAUSE DAVE, IT’S OK IF IT DOES.  
KARKAT: SERIOUSLY.  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW ME. I AM IN *NO* POSITION TO JUDGE!  
DAVE: no im serious  
DAVE: i dont give a fuck about the color  
DAVE: honestly if anything i think its kinda cool  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: OK DAVE IF THAT’S TRUE, THEN I’M SO FUCKING LOST.  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SO WORRIED ABOUT?  
DAVE: i just...  
DAVE: i dont like people being able to like  
DAVE: read them  
KARKAT: READ THEM?  
DAVE: yeah you know  
DAVE: i dont want anybody to know what im thinking  
KARKAT: WAIT.  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING GOD!  
DAVE: ??  
KARKAT: *THAT’S* YOUR BIG THING?  
KARKAT: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??  
DAVE: what  
DAVE: what the fuck is up  
KARKAT: HAHAHA OH MY *GOD* DAVE!  
KARKAT: YOU THINK THESE THINGS ARE A FILTER FOR WHAT’S IN YOUR HEAD?  
DAVE: what the fuck are you talking about  
KARKAT: I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU HAVEN’T SEEN A FILTER IN SO LONG I’M SURPRISED YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT ONE IS!  
KARKAT: THE FILTER IS GONE!  
KARKAT: WASHED AWAY IN THE ABSOLUTE DELUGE OF SHIT THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT!  
KARKAT: THIS IS ROCKING MY FUCKING WORLD, DAVE!  
KARKAT: THIS IS JUST HILARIOUS!  
KARKAT: I CAN’T BELIEVE...  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD, THIS IS SO STUPID!  
KARKAT: THERE WAS SO MUCH FUCKING POTENTIAL HERE!  
DAVE: potential  
DAVE: what the fuck are you talkin about potential  
KARKAT: I MEAN YOUR EYES ARE FUCKING *RED!*  
KARKAT: AND APPARENTLY THAT’S “A THING.”  
KARKAT: IT’S A STRANGE MUTATION HUMANS DON’T NORMALLY HAVE, RIGHT?  
KARKAT: DOES THAT FUCKING REMIND YOU OF ANYTHING, DAVE?  
KARKAT: OF ANY *ONE?*  
DAVE: sigh  
KARKAT: YES THAT’S RIGHT, IT REMINDS YOU OF ME!  
KARKAT: GOOD JOB DAVE, TOP MARKS.  
KARKAT: WE BOTH HAVE THIS BIG SECRET WE KEEP HIDDEN.  
KARKAT: THAT’S THE SAME FUCKING COLOR.  
KARKAT: THAT’S SO *FUCKING* PERFECT!  
KARKAT: WE COULD HAVE BONDED OVER THAT!  
KARKAT: SWAPPED STORIES!  
KARKAT: TRADED ANXIETIES!  
KARKAT: WEPT CATHARTICALLY INTO EACH OTHER’S ARMS!  
DAVE: oh what the fuck  
KARKAT: IT COULD HAVE BEEN A THING, DAVE!  
KARKAT: A REAL HONEST TO GOD THING TO BRING US TOGETHER.  
KARKAT: BUT NO.  
KARKAT: TURNS OUT YOU DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THAT.  
KARKAT: INSTEEEAAD  
KARKAT: YOU JUST THINK YOU’RE HIDING YOUR FUCKING *THOUGHTS* FROM EVERYONE?  
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT DAVE, THAT WOULD BE SAD IF IT WEREN’T SO FUCKING HILARIOUS.  
DAVE: what the fuck man this isnt funny  
KARKAT: OH YES IT FUCKING IS!  
KARKAT: HONEST TO GOD DAVE.  
KARKAT: HAVE YOU EVER HEARD YOURSELF?  
KARKAT: TO HANG OUT WITH YOU IS TO BE COMPED A TICKET TO A FRONT ROW SEAT IN YOUR BRAIN!  
KARKAT: THE TICKET COMES WITH TABLE SERVICE AND A COMPLIMENTARY BOTTLE OF CARBONATED GRAPE SQUEEZINGS.  
KARKAT: AND ALSO A BACKSTAGE PASS SO YOU CAN DO A MEET AND GREET AFTERWARDS AND DRIBBLE OUT ANY REMAINING NUGGETS OF THOUGHT YOU SOMEHOW MISSED IN THE INTERMINABLE SHOW YOU JUST PUT ON.  
KARKAT: YOUR MOUTH IS A TAP TO YOUR BRAIN WITH THE VALVE BROKEN OFF! EVERYTHING JUST COMES POURING OUT!  
KARKAT: SOMETIMES IN FUCKING RAP LYRICS!  
KARKAT: IN FACT I’M NOT SURE YOUR PAN HAS EVER FIRED A SINGLE SYNAPSE THAT YOU HAVEN’T THEN PROCEEDED TO RAP AT ME, DAVE.  
DAVE: what thats not fucking true  
KARKAT: ARE YOU SURE, DAVE?  
DAVE: yes i am a hundred fucking percent sure karkat  
DAVE: there are definitely things in here i havent told you  
DAVE: ok you can fuckin trust me  
KARKAT: OH YEAH?  
DAVE: uh yeah  
DAVE: most definitely  
KARKAT: WELL THEN LET’S FUCKING HEAR ONE!  
DAVE: what??  
KARKAT: COME ON, JUST TELL ME SOMETHING YOU’VE SUCCESSFULLY HELD IN YOUR THINK PAN WITHOUT LETTING IT FUCKING SLIP OUT IN SOME ENDLESS MONOLOGUE OR LYRICAL VENTURE.  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: YOU CAN DO IT, DAVE! JUST TELL ME SOMETHING!  
DAVE: like a secret  
KARKAT: YEAH SURE. I MEAN I’D PROBABLY CALL IT A “THOUGHT” LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, BUT IF YOU WANNA GO WITH THAT, FINE!  
KARKAT: JUST *ANYTHING* THAT YOU HAVEN’T ALREADY FUCKING BLURTED OUT IN ONE OF YOUR INCESSANT FUCKING SOLILOQUIES!  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: i  
DAVE: i cant think of anything  
KARKAT: DAVE ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?  
KARKAT: THIS ISN’T ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO BE HARD, YOU KNOW.  
KARKAT: JUST A THING.  
KARKAT: NAME ANY. THING. THAT YOU HAVEN’T TOLD ME.  
DAVE: i fucking cant  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: i just  
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: i donno my minds a blank  
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: i  
DAVE: i really dont wanna do this karkat  
DAVE: i kinda fucking hate this  
DAVE: this is why i need my fucking shades  
DAVE: i cant fuckin think like this  
DAVE: especially with you fuckin breathing down my neck  
DAVE: and just starin straight into my eyes  
DAVE: can you just lay the fuck off this sucks so much  
KARKAT: UM.  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: HERE.  
KARKAT: YOU CAN HAVE THEM BACK.  
KARKAT: I’M SORRY, DAVE.  
DAVE: its ok  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: ARE YOU GONNA PUT THEM BACK ON?  
DAVE: yeah maybe  
DAVE: eventually  
DAVE: i donno  
KARKAT: OK.  
DAVE: look  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: i donno if this counts as a secret  
DAVE: or a thought or whatever  
DAVE: but uh  
DAVE: ...these shades have just always been a part of me ok  
DAVE: like not these ones specifically  
DAVE: but  
DAVE: when i was a baby the first fuckin thing my bro did was give me a pair of shades  
DAVE: like literally he did that and THEN he fed me  
DAVE: if that helps provide any crucial context or like lay the groundwork for understanding  
DAVE: and they were these stuuuupid fuckin anime shades  
DAVE: on a baby  
DAVE: have you ever seen anime shades on a fuckin baby  
KARKAT: YEAH I HAVE, ACTUALLY. ON YOU.  
DAVE: oh huh  
DAVE: right  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: howd i look  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: its ok karkat this isnt a trap you can say it  
DAVE: i looked fuckin stupid  
KARKAT: YEAH, YOU KINDA FUCKING DID.  
DAVE: right bingo see not a trick question  
DAVE: i looked so fucking stupid  
DAVE: my bro had matching fuckin shades  
DAVE: and it was very much a THING  
DAVE: you know  
DAVE: playin your hand so fucking close to your chest even YOU cant see it  
DAVE: but also bein hella fuckin cool at the same time  
DAVE: that was one of our biggest fuckin codes  
DAVE: and believe me we were all ABOUT codes  
DAVE: codes have a way of getting to you when theyre ranked more important than basic stuff like “eating”  
DAVE: so yeah  
DAVE: i wore those shades nonstop for 12 years  
DAVE: and then i finally got this pair  
DAVE: they were uh  
DAVE: john got them for me  
KARKAT: OH.  
DAVE: yeah we had this tradition  
DAVE: the four of us  
DAVE: where wed get these super cool extravagant over the top gifts  
DAVE: did your friends do anything like that  
KARKAT: UM. NO. ALTERNIA WASN’T REALLY A “GIFT” KIND OF PLACE.  
DAVE: jesus that fuckin place i swear to god...  
DAVE: honestly tho i think our thing was kinda weird even for earth  
DAVE: like i dont think most friend groups really got as into it as much as we did  
DAVE: but even still  
DAVE: in a sea of nice presents  
DAVE: the nicest fucking one i ever got was these shades  
DAVE: like they went so bizarrely above and beyond  
DAVE: they musta cost john a fucking fortune  
DAVE: he also knew they were just the right amount of irony  
DAVE: and john does NOT do irony  
DAVE: as im sure you noticed  
DAVE: but he still figured it out  
DAVE: how to do a sincere really cool as fuck gift  
DAVE: that was simultaneously the perfect amount of ironic  
DAVE: its a delicate fucking balancing act not for the faint of heart lemme tell you  
DAVE: and he figured it out  
DAVE: for me  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: anyway it was really weirdly nice  
DAVE: and yeah i know weirdly nice is johns fuckin mo  
DAVE: like weird for him would be somehow NOT bein as fucking nice as humanly possible  
DAVE: but still  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: god i donno  
DAVE: im fucking rambling here  
DAVE: i know thats not unusual but i feel like im doin it a lot even for my own rambly ass  
DAVE: you dont wanna hear this  
KARKAT: NO, IT’S OK.  
KARKAT: YOU CAN KEEP GOING.  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: so yeah i donno thats actually it i guess  
DAVE: ive always fucking worn shades because its basically my whole identity  
DAVE: and despite your hilarious chucklefest, that identity actually does involve not wanting people to be able to read my face  
DAVE: even tho my mouth just totally undoes anything i might achieve in that area and then some  
DAVE: so i guess actually my identity is just a huge fucking contradiction of my own making  
DAVE: which is honestly kinda perfect  
DAVE: except i kinda didnt even make it  
DAVE: because its just been given to me by other people  
DAVE: first my bro  
DAVE: then john  
DAVE: like wow dave you wanna branch out get out from under your bros shadow heres a great fuckin idea how bout you just wear the first fuckin pair of shades somebody else gives you  
DAVE: yeah its not your uber controlling brother its just your best friend you talk to all hours of the day and whose opinion you care about more than anything  
DAVE: yeah thats great dave youre really becoming your own fucking person  
DAVE: youre well on your way to adult individuality  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: I THINK THEY DO MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE AN INDIVIDUAL.  
KARKAT: FOR WHAT IT’S WORTH.  
KARKAT: LIKE I ASSOCIATE THEM SO FUCKING STRONGLY WITH YOU.  
DAVE: yeah?  
KARKAT: FUCK YEAH!  
KARKAT: SERIOUSLY, DAVE!  
KARKAT: IF I SAW THESE STUPID FUCKING AVIATORS ON A TABLE WITH YOU NOWHERE IN SIGHT, I’D ASSUME YOU JUST TURNED INTO A TABLE WITHOUT TELLING ME.  
DAVE: ha  
KARKAT: I FUCKING MEAN IT! THEY’RE YOUR BRAND!  
KARKAT: AND SURE YOUR BRO GAVE YOU THE IDEA AND JOHN GAVE YOU THESE PARTICULAR ONES, BUT SO FUCKING WHAT?  
KARKAT: IT’S *YOUR THING,* DAVE.  
KARKAT: AND IT’S NOT CONTRADICTORY.  
KARKAT: IT’S JUST YOU.  
DAVE: yeah i guess  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: man i shoulda just told you it was because my eyes are fuckin red  
DAVE: youre right that woulda been so perfect and hells better than just this stupid jumble of weird fucking half hangups i got  
KARKAT: I DONNO. I’M GLAD YOU TOLD ME THIS INSTEAD.  
DAVE: yeah?  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: you wanna wear em?  
KARKAT: REALLY?  
KARKAT: ARE YOU SURE?  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: i kinda wanna see what its like from the other side  
DAVE: get the full strider effect  
KARKAT: OK.  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: HOW DO I LOOK?  
DAVE: pffff  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: fffffhahaha  
KARKAT: DAVE.  
DAVE: HAHAHAHA  
KARKAT: OH COME THE FUCK ON!  
DAVE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh my god dude  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
KARKAT: DON’T I LOOK COOL?  
DAVE: holy shit dude no  
DAVE: sorry  
DAVE: but you really really fucking dont  
KARKAT: OH NO, COULD WE POSSIBLY BE LEARNING ANY HARSH TRUTHS ABOUT THE COOLNESS OF THESE GLASSES?  
DAVE: what no  
DAVE: no were fuckin not  
DAVE: these shades are objectively cool as chilled ice karkat  
DAVE: theres no two ways around that blatant ass fact  
DAVE: i think its you bro  
DAVE: theres just somethin about...  
DAVE: theres somethin about you that not even these cool as fuck shades can rectify  
KARKAT: UH HUH.  
DAVE: no im serious dude  
DAVE: theyre tryin so hard too  
DAVE: i can hear em cryin out for help  
DAVE: never before have they been called upon to grace a face so uncool  
DAVE: youre like in the uncanny valley of cool  
DAVE: its eerie is what it is  
KARKAT: EERIE.  
DAVE: yes very definitely  
KARKAT: SO, NOT FLY AS HELL?  
DAVE: fuck no bro sorry i know youre givin it your best effort  
KARKAT: SHIT.  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: HOW ABOUT MYSTERIOUS?  
DAVE: hm  
DAVE: look to your left  
DAVE: and your right  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: yeah you know what  
DAVE: i think if i squint and tilt my head i could see you maybe pullin off mysterious  
DAVE: thats actually kinda plausible  
DAVE: ill give you that one karkat ill let that one stand  
KARKAT: NICE.  
DAVE: haha yeah you know what this actually kinda fuckin works  
DAVE: like if i was sittin in a bar and you rolled up lookin like that  
DAVE: i think id have no problem at all sayin god damn who is this mysterious ass dude just plunked down next to me  
DAVE: this is in an alternate universe obviously where bars and commerce still exist and trolls and humans are interminglin freely  
KARKAT: OH YEAH.  
DAVE: and also were both of the legal drinking age and totally know how to go into a bar and order a refreshing adult beverage without makin jackasses of ourselves  
KARKAT: OF COURSE.  
DAVE: yeah also i dont already know you  
DAVE: in this scenario youre just some like silent stranger rockin these shades in a bar  
DAVE: and id be like damn now THAT is a mysterious dude  
DAVE: that is a dude with a fuckin PAST  
KARKAT: OR MAYBE...  
KARKAT: I’M A DUDE WITH *NO* PAST.  
DAVE: haha holy shit yes!  
DAVE: thats mysterious as fuck  
KARKAT: I SIT DOWN AND GIVE A WORDLESS SIGNAL TO THE BARTENDER.  
DAVE: you order TWO drinks  
KARKAT: I DRINK ONE, BUT I LEAVE THE OTHER IN FRONT OF THE EMPTY SEAT NEXT TO ME.  
DAVE: oh my god yes  
KARKAT: IT STAYS UNTOUCHED FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT.  
DAVE: is it a tribute?  
DAVE: an omen?  
KARKAT: YOU’LL NEVER FUCKING KNOW.  
DAVE: oh my god i totally wont oh no  
KARKAT: WHEN I LEAVE, I PAY FOR MY DRINKS WITH A CURT NOD.  
DAVE: what no way youre not payin for shit  
DAVE: i got this one bro theres no way im not buyin a drink for this mysterious stranger  
KARKAT: TOO LATE I’M ALREADY GONE INTO THE NIGHT.  
DAVE: noooo  
KARKAT: BUT ON A NAPKIN LEFT ON MY SEAT IS A RIDDLE HINTING AT THE WHEREABOUTS OF THE PLACE I’LL BE DRINKING TOMORROW NIGHT.  
DAVE: bahaha a riddle?  
DAVE: man were kinda driftin away from cool mysterious into kooky mysterious  
DAVE: we are firmly in willy wonka territory here  
DAVE: but you know what its fuckin workin for me  
DAVE: god damn if im not gonna be up all night tryna solve that riddle  
KARKAT: TOO BAD I SUCK AT RIDDLES. IT DOESN’T ACTUALLY MEAN SHIT. YOU’RE NEVER SOLVING IT.  
DAVE: fuck!  
DAVE: fine ill just come back to this same bar again tomorrow  
DAVE: i bet youll just be here again  
KARKAT: MAYBE I WILL. SOMETIMES THE MOST MYSTERIOUS THING YOU CAN DO IS THE THING PEOPLE EXPECT THE MOST.  
DAVE: bahaha holy fuck karkat dishin out the mystery truths  
DAVE: i fuckin love it  
KARKAT: YEAH YOU KNOW WHAT DAVE? I WAS ALL WRONG ABOUT THESE SHADES.  
DAVE: you like em?  
KARKAT: I DO! I FEEL CALM COOL AND FUCKING COLLECTED.  
DAVE: yeah i told you theyre fuckin sick  
DAVE: you can keep wearin em for a while if you want  
KARKAT: REALLY?  
DAVE: yeah why not im diggin this mysterious karkat  
KARKAT: OK BUT...  
KARKAT: I HONESTLY KIND OF DON’T WANT TO NAVIGATE THESE HALLWAYS IN THEM.  
KARKAT: I CAN’T SEE SHIT, DAVE.  
DAVE: haha  
DAVE: yeah actually you know what  
DAVE: considering were prolly in like the seediest dingiest bar with only one light bulb from 1985 lightin the whole thing  
DAVE: i bet when you stood up to disappear all smooth into the night you just fuckin slammed face first into a wall  
KARKAT: HAHA!  
DAVE: im not gonna have any trouble findin you dude  
DAVE: youre out cold on the floor  
DAVE: you are not leavin this bar under your own power  
DAVE: i not only paid for your two stupid drinks  
DAVE: i also called you an ambulance  
DAVE: im your legal next of kin now  
DAVE: since youre a man with no past and all  
KARKAT: AT LEAST YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO SOLVE MY RIDDLE.  
DAVE: hahaha  
KARKAT: HAHAHA!  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: you really dont wanna keep wearin em?  
KARKAT: I GENUINELY DON’T WANT TO GO CRASHING INTO ANYTHING, DAVE. I’M NOT MAKING THAT UP.  
KARKAT: YOU HIT THAT CHEST *HARD.*  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: fine  
DAVE: give em back  
DAVE: you can wear em again later in a well-lit area if you want  
KARKAT: THANKS.  
DAVE: this is prolly for the best actually  
DAVE: i dont want fuckin gamzee or somebody stumblin across me out here shadeless and seein through my carefully crafted mysterious aura  
DAVE: cool mysterious by the way not fuckin riddle mysterious  
DAVE: thats all yours karkat that can be your shadesona im not gonna fuck with that  
KARKAT: HAHA!  
KARKAT: OK. IF YOU’RE REALLY GONNA INSIST ON WEARING THEM OUT HERE, GIVE ME YOUR HAND.  
KARKAT: I’LL FUCKING STEER YOU.  
DAVE: seriously?  
KARKAT: COME ON DAVE, IF YOU BREAK YOUR NECK AND DIE LIKE THIS, I THINK TEREZI’LL HAVE GROUNDS TO BE REALLY OFFENDED.  
DAVE: haha shit youre right  
DAVE: ok why not  
DAVE: lead the fuck on  



End file.
